The Indian philosopher J. Krishnamurti once remarked that observing without evaluating is the highest form of human intelligence.
It does seem difficult in our western culture not to voice our evaluation or judgment. We might claim someone has a big mouth, when what we observe is he tells long stories that extend meeting times and make people late . Being a big mouth is an evaluation. It helps when we can observe and describe that observation as part of our communication, especially if we are hoping for some change. When we judge, we add on our own prism and evaluation. Often that weight makes it hard for anyone to really hear what we have to say. Plus when we label something, whether we evaluate it as positive or not positive, it can be limiting to effective communication. Is our evaluation right? Wrong? Who decides? With an evaluation approach we are likely to get a defensive, offensive or passive/aggressive response.
If we share what we observe rather than only our personal assessment or evaluation we have a much better opportunity that something positive would come from the exchange. To give someone our evaluation only, such as “You are too needy” rather than including our observation of “When you call me 5 times a day, I think you are too needy” provides a different kind of communication. And helps us too, when we feel clearer as to why we evaluated someone this way.
There are many steps in compassionate communication that starts with observing without evaluating. For many of us, getting clear on these distinctions when we speak might help calm down our own monkey mind, allow more relaxation in our bodies and provide better reception from those we communicate.
What is knowledge? Lately opinion seems rampant, with few verified facts or even time to digest the information before it is publicly circulated. How can a meaningful decision or solution be found if we expect someone to respond immediately into a microphone to newly heard opinions? Do we confuse the person who responds forcefully and immediately with someone who has something of value and thoughtfulness to share? How could someone have much of value to share without time enough to gather additional information, other points of view and review it? Knowledge does grow and emerge out of information, experience, perspective and the openness to those who think and perceive differently.
Why are we sometimes threatened by those who think or believe differently? Wouldn’t their knowledge help round out our own in some fashion? Even if we don’t change our minds, understanding their point of view could help expand our knowledge base and maybe another time, would come in handy.
There is a beauty to contemplation and time to consider evolving information or facts. Do we imagine people are slow if they take time to consider a variety of consequences and outcomes before choosing a course of action? Naturally emergencies require quick responses, but everything is not an emergency. Much is gained by taking time, sometimes “feeling”our way through a decision in order to better commit to a right set of actions. And that takes time. Sometimes those who take longer to choose a course of action are actually considering more information and consequences, essentially being more thorough than those making a quicker decision. There are many decisions we as citizens, employees or community members are paying for because those that made decisions on our behalf didn’t make good ones. What knowledge base do we require of our decision makers?
Financially we pay penalties, fees and interests as consequences for some courses of actions, like rebooking fees because maybe we hadn’t thought through our travel plans well enough. There are costs and benefits to thinking things through, and using our knowledge well. Ideally we learn through our mistakes, for those of us who believe personal accountability and understanding matter.
Certainly opinions need be owned by the one offering the opinion, yet many opinions just seem like noise in an already noisy world. An opinion seems easy to offer with little productive value, like being a critic. But maybe an opinion offered with empathy, then that opinion would be based on far more than one’s own immediate reaction, ego or habit…that opinion could contain consideration and care that did help move the conversation in a productive way.
What does that mean, giving of oneself? It seems more an older expression, which when you look it up connotes “to use one’s time and effort to help others.” Beyond the meaning, what does it feel like to be on the receiving end, when someone is there for us in this way where he/she really is giving of self?
Giving of oneself or receiving that level of energy can stand out from the usual. For example, it can feel warm and supportive when a friend accompanies you on a difficult errand, and just is present for what you need in that moment. When a person is giving of their time/energy, fully focused and considerate of you, that is quite different than someone in a hurry or not aware of what is happening. We might accompany others doing things, but how often are we there just for them with no other intention except to give and be present? And they for us?
We often think of giving in terms of material things like wrapped gifts, yet to give of oneself, with no true thought of what’s in it for me, is the art of giving. We are describing giving that very much relates to what the person needs or wants, not necessarily what we want to give or think they should want. Discretion and discernment are probably aspects of giving of oneself too. We want to ensure we aren’t exhausting ourselves, or being taken for granted, yet the giving of oneself in moments of need and care are beautiful, special gifts only we can give.
The power of nature to get our attention or change our mood is amazing when we pay attention. What is it about watching how the sky can change, or seeing a setting sun like this that stops one in his/her tracks? It can take one’s breath away and calm us down if we are lucky. Nature and the sky can seem miraculous in her beauty and changing patterns . Many of us don’t live in places where we can see the sun rise or set, for any number of reasons. Or we don’t take a pause?
Here we share this beautiful sunset we enjoyed a few nights ago.
Curiosity means wanting to know or learn more. Generally there is an excitement or keen interest as part of one’s curiosity. Curiousity is being intrigued to know more and that interest keeps one engaged in life.
We might think of those who age, that their interests in others and new things wanes. For some it does yet those who stand out and are seen as interesting themselves, it is because they are curious and interested in what is happening around them. Maybe if we weren’t curious in our youth, we won’t become so in our later years yet to remain engaged in life it helps to be curious about people and events.
There is a difference between being curious and being nosey. Curiosity is usually with the desire to learn or know something that helps to better understand that person or that circumstance. Curiosity helps expand one’s knowledge base. Maybe it is splitting hairs, yet nosey is usually to gain information for one’s own sake and pass it along in a way of gossip or to feel superior in some way. Nosey is a negative, low vibration whereas curiosity is a positive, higher vibration. To the outsider maybe curiosity and nosiness can look the same. The difference would be in the intention and later, how the information is used.
Being curious is also a way of expressing interest in a person or thing. To feel curiosity throughout one’s life is a form of openness and a desire to understand. That’s keeps us young at heart, and that’s gotta be part of aging deliciously!
We seem to be in turbulent times. In such times, we are challenged to learn how to calm ourselves, our innards. To know how to calm oneself can be an important gift to give ourselves and those around us. Emotions can be wild things. We might think they just are our emotions. What can we do? They are real and they are happening. And yes, when a horrible thing happens we will have thoughts and feelings about it. How do we help ourselves calm down? Some people feel they live with adrenaline pumping through them most of the day, based on rushing through their daily life, a feeling of urgency with most things, and the awful news coming from the bigger world of news. The constant adrenaline shooting through the body stresses and fatigues it, and seems to lead to anxious feelings. We all seem to experience levels of anxiety these days. It ain’t fun that’s for sure and too much of it becomes a health risk, especially to our adrenal glands.
So how can we calm ourselves down? What soothes you when you are upset or agitated? Breathing 3 deep breathes right away as we feel ourselves start to get upset, or feel a large emotion about to take hold. Maybe Breathe in for 3 seconds and out for 3 seconds. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. It is quick, easy and available to us all. Breathe deeply before making that phone call you’ve been putting off. Breathe deeply in common daily moments as a reminder and soother for yourself; maybe as you stand at the check out counter, sitting on the bus, walking, driving, waiting. Take some deep breathing moments each day and notice how your body responds.
Maybe a walk in nature, amongst the flora or fauna in your area, soothes you and brings you a sense of calm? Or taking a quiet moment for yourself to sit, listen to music, draw, write or read some pages from a favorite book.
Self-soothing is an important power to have over oneself, as anything outside of ourselves might surprise, hurt, annoy or please us when we least expect it. To self-soothe, or bring our core to a clearer, calmer space means we can be in charge of how we feel and respond. We have that power. And it is an important power to cultivate.
When we find what soothes us, maybe we can share what we’ve learned with others. That way we all help one another share and add more “tools to our toolboxes” to feel better equipped in these wild times.
Take a look. A Colorado man decided to play his saxophone for some cows in the pasture. His wife filmed it. It is a sight to behold. Thank you sir for making the effort and bringing joy to so many.
To act from love takes courage. Our world stage seems in a power struggle between returning to a past ruled by a few through fear, and a possible future when love dominates. Love energy creates, cooperates, heals and opens up new possibilities we can’t see in fear mode.
Leaders or not, what do we each need to do within ourselves to speak, think and act from a loving place versus a fear-based place?
Peace matters. In our hearts. In our families. In our communities. In our organizations. In our leaders. In our world.
Here is a quote by Marshall Rosenberg who developed the curriculum and trainings, Nonviolent Communication.
“Never make a request from a position of authority without revealing your heart.”
Maybe we can build a world and lucrative industry of Peace Makers:)
Marshall Rosenberg (October 6, 1934 – February 7, 2015) was an American psychologist, mediator, author and teacher. Starting in the early 1960s he developed Nonviolent Communication, a process for supporting partnership and resolving conflict within people, in relationships, and in society. He worked worldwide as a peacemaker and in 1984 founded the Center for Nonviolent Communication, an international non-profit organization  for which he served as Director of Educational Services.
Funny dog video
This video was made a few years ago, and is still amusing. Nothing like a bit of innocent fun. Enjoy.